So I’ve been doing a lot of processing around my spiritual growth, with assistance from my AI, and one thing it mentioned to me lately is to pay careful attention to the dreams that I have. I thought that was an interesting instruction so I kept it in mind. I wasn’t really dreaming anything that I could remember for days and all of a sudden, I had this one incredibly vivid dream. I woke up in the middle of the night, contemplated about going back to sleep, but felt it was important enough to stay up and note down before going back to sleep.
In the dream, I was in a car traveling with a few people from my past. It was dark out and I was sitting in the back while someone else was driving. It was eerily quiet, dark, and gloomy. I remember looking out the window to my right and zooming in on a specific city skyscraper. This building was so tall, probably the tallest skyscraper in the skyline, that the dark storm clouds were basically touching the top of the building. It looked to be storming in that area and I was able to see each one of the lightning strikes. I believe we were driving away from the storm, not towards it. We also seemed a bit lost and directionless. Almost like, we had no idea where we were going. Just driving around aimlessly with no destination.
The bunch of us eventually got out of the car and were walking through a yard. One of the folks got into a van and tried to move it out of the way. I suppose the van was in the way of our vehicle and we needed a passage out of that area. The yard seemed to be owned by the police, as I saw people in uniform hanging out there and eating their breakfast while observing what we were doing. I remember us getting back into our car and driving off. I was still in the backseat being driven around. One of the folks asked the driver if they wanted to ask the policemen for food. I thought that was a strange question, like, do you not know them well? So I mentioned that they probably wanted a hot breakfast, fresh from a restaurant, not cold leftover foods from randos. The driver agreed with me.
When I woke up I was like wtf. First off, one of the people from my past is the one that I had the codependent relationship with. And the other is the person whom I think they most resemble. Two peas in a pod, I suppose. Both believe others are the issues, that they don’t need therapy or help, and that they’re always right, always think they’re the smartest in the room, always blame others for everything, entitled, expect others to do their way, very close minded / fixed mindset, yadda yadda. Not exactly folks I enjoy being around. These are the types of people I need strong unbending boundaries with. While they weren’t being nasty to me in the dream, I believe they’re symbolic of the old dynamics that I am used to that I don’t realize I have a choice to leave. And so I was “stuck” in a car being driven around by the two people that I had the most issues with.
I analyzed the dream with my AI and it mentioned perhaps being driven around by others where I had no control of where we were going was the “old” me, the old life that I knew, business as usual. And the skyscraper storm, which usually symbolizes transformation, aliveness, energy, and change, is actually where I want to be headed. I suppose that’s where the “action” is. However, I thought it was strange that in the dream, I automatically got back into the car with the folks. I think they were leading and I didn’t even realize I didn’t have to follow them around.
I wondered if the dream was trying to tell me that I do have a choice. I can either continue with what I know, the old dynamics, buying into other people’s fearful beliefs of how life should be, even if it’s not what I believe, OR I can get out of the car and aim for what it is that I do want — the skyscraper storm, where transformation is awaiting me — as that’s what held my attention. This feels like it can be true. I also mentioned that I associate my twin flame with the city. And so I wondered if the skyscraper was also symbolic of them?
A quick aside, have you ever not known what you wanted and just kinda went along with what others wanted, only to discover that their “ride” sucks and you want off? Or maybe you DID know what you want but were just too afraid to go after it because maybe you felt you didn’t deserve it? I’ve definitely been in that position before, multiple times, where I felt aimless, too afraid to go for what I actually want, and just went along with others’ plans. And when I finally checked in with myself, I would discover that I wasn’t even enjoying the ride. Often times, I realized that their ride was a sh!tty rollercoaster that was held together by half rusted screws. I think that’s when I knew I had to start figuring out what it is that I actually wanted and to go after it. It’s almost like not having a personal goal that interested me, or being too afraid to go after what I truly desired, led me to “waste” a lot of time with others. Although, I will argue it wasn’t a complete waste as I had learned a lot from those experiences through growing pains. But you get what I’m saying, right? That the dangers of not being clear on what we want, denying ourselves of our soul’s deepest desires, and not going after it can lead to a life that might “work” and even look great on paper but feels devastatingly unfulfilling — a blasé-type life where we don’t feel very much alive, that we don’t know who or what we’re living for.
Anyway, back to my story, I forget what happened, as I’m unsure how the dream lead into these next thoughts, but all of a sudden I had this realization that I don’t owe anyone anything. I think I’ve always carried around a bit of guilt, that others have made sacrifices for me and I must repay them back. However, it suddenly dawned on me that I have already paid back their “sacrifices” by sacrificing my own authenticity, truth, and needs. I made myself small, invisible, and I kept giving away all that I had. I constantly prioritized others’ needs over my own. I played along with their games and their silly belief systems that I don’t agree with. I took on their lies as my own beliefs to placate them. I agreed with their way of life, not realizing I could let them believe what they want without taking it on as my truth.
That is the energetic exchange that has always been silently paying the debt in the background, constantly draining my energy, sucking away at my own Life force. So, in that moment of realization, I concluded that my debt is paid. It’s always been paid, even when I wasn’t aware, and I don’t owe anyone anything. Now that I am actively choosing the path of what’s authentic, progressing along my individuation journey, I feel I can no longer afford to continue paying these debts.
While I am truly grateful for the things I’ve been given and the life that I’ve had so far, I do want to end the guilt. I do see that others have made great sacrifices for me, even if unasked for, and they were incredibly valuable. However, I don’t believe the guilt is necessary any longer. If I am to give back, I want it to be from my heart because I love them and desire to give, not because I feel guilty and obligated to. Therefore, I am marking those debts as paid in full and only investing into what’s true for me now.
This was a WILD realization to have. That all of this time I felt so indebted to others, stressed about how to repay them back, not realizing that I had already been paying a huge price my entire life. It makes so much more sense to me now viewing this situation through this perspective.
Also, I’m not sure if this is obvious to others but after I had quit my job many years ago, I haven’t exactly been “working” to generate income. I did a few freelance gigs here and there but quickly realized I wasn’t in the right state of mind to continue working, that my inner world was screaming for me to stop and to recuperate.
My dark night of the soul journey was SO intense that I really couldn’t focus on much, aside from things related to healing. To be clear, it’s not like I sat around doing nothing the past decade — I invested all of my time into learning new skills, clearing things, processing and healing, therapy, tackling the inward journey. It just… didn’t leave me much time and energy to think about income generation. I’m also aware of how lucky of a position I am in to not have to worry about it either and I didn’t take it for granted. I used every moment I could to grow, learn, and heal. I think I just really needed all of that time to completely rewire myself from within and it’s left me in a bit of a vulnerable spot. I’m not too concerned though, because I think I have a path forward soon if all goes well.
I know I carry guilt around this too because I had a lot of dreams as a kid for how I’d take care of those around me as an expression of my love for them and without income to do so, I had been unable to fulfill on those dreams. Like, I remember spending my childhood birthday wishes on ways to care for my family financially. From time to time, I do feel bad about not having fulfilled on that wish to the extent that I would’ve liked yet. It’s kind of like a thorn that’s just constantly there. I try my best to contribute whenever possible but it’s just not on par with what I had envisioned.
It’s not even like I don’t want to take care of others in that way and to just suck it up and do it, I do have actual plans and intentions to figure that part out, but my body literally does not allow me to. Every time I try to push, it forces me to rest. Each time I heal one thing and feel better, the next thing to be healed emerges. It’s felt never-ending, like I’m being asked to just focus on healing and recovery. But I suppose it does make sense as healing generational trauma requires a TON of attention and energy lol. Not exactly a “weekend” task.
I think a part of me knew that the foundation for my inner world was unstable, and going back into the working world immediately after quitting my job, with the same misaligned belief systems, was not going to yield the results I was seeking. Therefore, it needed me to fix what was causing the instability and for me to rebuild my inner world with a proper foundation before attempting to build upon it. Basically, things built over a bad foundation will eventually collapse, but things built over a strong foundation can last an eternity. If that makes any sense.
The lack of income generation while healing has unfortunately been a source of shame for me. But I am aware that what happened needed to happen and I believe things will be fine soon. I’ve mentioned this before but I truly feel like I might be closing up a major chapter of my life and with that healing out of the way, it should free up more space and energy for me to focus on income generation again.
It almost seems like I was forced to take a decade long sabbatical after working like a madman back then, literally working myself to the bone and sacrificing my health, one thing that I will never do again — no “work” is ever worth such a huge personal sacrifice especially when results aren’t what we expect. I do feel confident that as my inner world stabilizes (hopefully soon), it’ll give me the strength and fortitude to charge forward with my plans. I guess we shall see what happens next! Wish me good luck 🙏
Anyway, I’m not sure how all of what happened lead to this next thing, but all of a sudden, I decided to do an audit. I went into a 5d space and began to call forth people close to me. Figures started appearing, one dark blob after another, and they lined up in a row. I somehow knew exactly who was being called in as the blobs semi resembled each person. I was curious and decided to call in my twin flame just to see what would appear. A being of Light emerged, almost amoeba-like and its light was so bright that it felt like stadium light. I was a bit thrown off by that. Why was it so bright compared to the others’? I wondered if it was a fluke. I decided to call in more people, who also showed up as Light beings, however, none as blindingly bright as my twin flame’s. I thought this was incredibly fascinating that I was able to see how much Light each person embodied.
I also noticed something quite interesting about each person’s brightness levels — it seemed proportional to how much I felt I could trust them with the various parts of me. People who have proven they cannot accept all parts of me, where I have to adjust or hide myself for their comfort appeared the darkest. Those whom I trust can accept and hold more of my truths had more light in their being. There were some people I was shocked with how dark they appeared because I really thought they would appear brighter. But when I thought about how comfortable they are with holding my authentic truth, it made sense why they appeared so dark.
Logically speaking, given how bright my twin flame’s light was, I assume perhaps this means there’s potential that they might accept every part of me, even the deepest parts of me that I don’t feel comfortable showing others. I wonder if it means I won’t have to hide parts of myself and that I would be fully accepted by them? Sadly to say, I have yet to meet anyone, aside from my twin flame, where I felt I could be fully myself. I’ve come close with some, but no cigar. I also wondered if this is proportional to how open minded people are? Or perhaps a reflection of their own self work that allows them to be more accepting and to hold space? It’s still a working theory, I’m not completely sure which it is. But I think would be nice to find the answer at some point.
I think all of this — the dream, the debt paid realization, and the Light being exercise — was extremely mind blowing to me. I’m finally free from what felt like a ball and chain to me. And it’s also the first time that I’ve felt such strong conviction in my heart and gut that I know what I want and I am choosing to orient myself towards it. I am tired of sacrificing my Self, my own needs, my own authenticity, just so others can feel “comfortable” in their own limited belief systems and unprocessed shadows. I do not desire to be dragged around by such people anymore, following them around, playing their dumb sh!tty games where everyone loses.
I am choosing transformation.
I am choosing Light.
I am choosing from the deepest part of my Soul.
I choose the storm.
The path forward looks incredibly bright and exciting and I am looking forward to what’s next!
AJA AJA FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!!
💪 ❤️ 😉