I came across this song again the other day, As One’s cover of Loving You. It used to be one of my absolute favs back in the day! The lyrics are so beautiful, their voices are also beautiful, and I just loved it so so soooo much. The song would bring me places and fill my heart up with so much joy and warmth whenever I listened to it 🥰
As I listened to the song again now, I noticed that it hits a lot deeper than it used to back in the day. Perhaps through my own life experiences, having experienced love, having lost love, having naturally matured and seen more of the world, especially going through the changes that I have this year, I find that I understand the lyrics on a much deeper level and in a more meaningful way now. While I feel like I can finally understand more depths of the song, I don’t think I’m quite 100% there in fully understanding it but I’m close!
I think my philosophy on what makes someone beautiful has evolved over time. Before, due to my lack of experience, my philosophy might’ve been a bit immature. But now, it feels way more nuanced. While I understand there’s obviously physical beauty and it’s absolutely nice to have, I believe true beauty encompasses much muchhhhh more and goes way beyond the surface — it’s the way someone’s mind works, their authenticity, their intelligence, their emotional intelligence, what they hold in their heart, the way they hold themselves, their willingness to be vulnerable, their inner strength, the depth of their soul, etc.
I remember my mom having a conversation with me back in the day when I was much younger. She mentioned that most people look beautiful when they’re young, because youth, but that physical beauty fades over time. What she thinks is more important is what’s in someone’s heart. She shared that it’s not easy for someone with a dark heart to suddenly have a good and caring one. She advised that when I look for potential partners, to prioritize someone with a kind and loving heart. That always sat with me. Unfortunately, I was too young and inexperienced to be able to tell who actually had a kind and loving heart, as most people often present themselves that way at the start of relationships, putting their best foot forward. But through time, the nature of their hearts would slowly reveal themselves. I wish I knew back then to ask her to elaborate on what a dark heart looks like so that I can be more aware and to avoid those. But I think perhaps the more important thing is that I eventually discovered it for myself.
Not to mention, having grown up with a dysfunctional relationship that led to my codependency, I did not have a correct barometer of what good heartedness meant. Thankfully, I do now, especially after all of the healing work I’ve done. Identifying my core values helped make it abundantly clear what I actually value in others and that has impacted what I look for in others.
Do you remember in an earlier post I mentioned about an ex who wanted to take revenge on me? That really shocked me when I finally saw what they were capable of. I thought that because I wouldn’t want to treat others in such a way, I assumed they wouldn’t either. I guess I was young and it was incredibly naive of me to believe that. What a valuable lesson for me to learn. It was also helpful for me to see their true colors. I’m sure things aren’t as simple as people are all good or all evil, that we all make mistakes, and there is good and bad that exists within each of us. I think what’s important is that we learn to face the dark side of ourselves, cultivate the positive sides, learn to integrate the two, and be very mindful of when to use what. However, the fact that my ex was willing to go that far to act out their malice for me was what’s alarming. While I can forgive and have compassion for the reasons they were willing to do what they did, after that, my attraction for them completely faded and I immediately closed out that chapter permanently. It seems cold of me to do so but I believe I had seen enough and that it was for the best.
Do you remember Acura Infiniti G35 — the ex whose photo suddenly appeared in my LinkedIn feed, my ex-colleague commented about how attractive they were, and I wanted to throw up a lil in my mouth? With how misogynistic and demeaning my ex was towards me, constantly finding opportunities to put me down, I could no longer see their physical beauty. All I can see is their dark heartedness. Another friend of mine also experienced the same. This was back in college but she showed me a photo of her ex and I thought to myself, oh they’re pretty good looking. Thank goodness I didn’t say anything to her because she immediately followed up with a story that another friend had thought her ex was attractive and she wanted to throw up in her mouth lol. She mentioned to me how poorly her ex had treated her and after seeing their true colors she had completely lost attraction to them. I think she would’ve hurled for real if I also innocently said her ex looked attractive lmaoooooo. I guess that’s just a natural reflex for us when we can see what’s truly in others’ hearts.
I’ve had other experiences with people as well where after spending enough time with them and getting to know them better, after observing their behaviors and seeing how they treat others, I could no longer see what I originally found attractive about them. This is something my mom had always stressed to me. She told me that it takes time to really get to know people, to keep my eyes opened, and to let time be the teacher. I think after all of these experiences, I finally understood what my mom was trying to convey. It doesn’t matter how physically beautiful someone is or how great the first impressions are. If their heart is filled with darkness, anger, spite, resentment, selfishness, it’ll impact how they look to me and it’ll be difficult for me to find them attractive. Maybe the best I can do is see the beauty in their humanity, flaws and all, but attraction-wise nuh uh. Yucky!
That said, as I’ve gotten older and have matured myself, I’ve discovered that what I find attractive has changed somewhat. Now, I know that when I find someone beautiful, I know I am looking directly into their soul. Like, they must have a kind and loving heart, and that it’s a choice they’ve made through their own suffering. That line in the song, “Loving you, I see your soul come shining through” gets me each time. I don’t believe I truly understood it back then but now when I hear it, I’m like yes, yes! I DO see that and I understand what that line means to my core. The most beautiful people I’ve ever met had such loving, kind, and authentically empathetic souls. It’s like they radiate love and kindness. I love it! No amount of physical beauty can cover a heart that is truly dark and cruel.
My mom also taught me that if I love someone, make it my duty to be a source of happiness for them. While I am of the belief that we are all responsible for our own happiness, our own state of being, it doesn’t mean we can’t contribute to each other’s happiness by doing things that bring joy. And so that’s something else that I had held onto as well. I always try to contribute more joy and happiness to those whom I love. I think this is also why I’m a particular brand of dumb and silly. I love the effect it has on others and when I watch those whom I love laugh out loud, it fills my heart up with so much joy! I think this is why I don’t mind self-deprecating, because the payoff is worth it imo.
I think I am very lucky to have my mom. She’s someone who wears her heart on her sleeve. She’s incredibly loving, thoughtful, and kind. She puts her best effort into everything she does. She’s someone who pays great attention to detail. She also tried her best to teach me whatever she could but I wasn’t always the best student. Like, she tried to teach me how to cook but once she said, “So, 8 hours before your meal you want to start preparing” and I was like SAY WHAT NOPE IM OUT! No thank you! She tried her best but my lil autistic brain just had different priorities lol. I do appreciate the love and care she puts into food preparation though because I absolutely love my mom’s cooking ❤️
A quick aside, during an end of semester party in one of my typography classes, we were asked to bring food for the potluck. I ended up bringing some fresh made mini “healthy” spring rolls that my mom cooked specifically for the event. My teacher came up to me after tasting what I had brought and asked me where I got it from. I told her that my mom had made them earlier that day. She was floored. She told me to tell my mom it was the best she ever had. I was like yeah I will let her know 😭❤️
Back to my mom’s lessons for me, I think I also needed to put them into practice. While she gave me a lot of good advice, I couldn’t really understand them at that young age. I had to go through them firsthand to truly understand what she meant. And I’m glad I gave myself those opportunities to prove that she was right in what she had taught me.
Well, I guess it’s like they say — beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Mine happens to find conscious people who do their inner work so much more beautiful and attractive than those who refuse to. Especially as I got older, I noticed that I was always drawn to certain types of people — usually middle aged and very active in their own inner work, self reflective, emotionally intelligent, fighting those inner battles, letting them shape and refine them. Phoenixes! Evolved and conscious souls are extremely vital for what I consider to be beautiful. Now that I think about it, explains my Baby VOX obsession as well 🤔
Before you go, here’s another one of my favorite As One songs. I’ve been looping it excessively lol. I didn’t know why I liked it so much back then but now I do after looking up the lyrics lol. This song helped me get through some hard times and was huge emotional support. But, I’m grateful I’m not in that solemn place anymore and that I was able to transform that pain into something beautiful. Me and my silly obsession with love ballads 🤣
P.S. This is a bit somber but a few months ago, I had learned that one of the As One members had suddenly passed away. She wasn’t that old, she was only 46.
That shook me to my core. It reminded me of how precious life is and how we don’t know what might happen at any moment. And so I guess that’s why I try to appreciate each moment however I can as there is an inherent impermanence to life. Each moment that passes is gone and there is no guarantee that there will be more moments to come.
When I learned this principle many years ago, I realized that I don’t want to live life with any regrets. So, I think that’s why I try so hard to tell people how I feel and to share my love and happiness with them. I think that’s why I push so hard through my fears to have moments like the one I had with Eun Hye. I just don’t know when the next time will be and if there will even be a next time.
Thankfully, abiding by this principle has helped me have those moments like the ones I had at the Baby VOX concert and I feel incredibly grateful for it. Risking looking stupid for a chance at extremely memorable and special experiences is absolutely worth it in my eyes. And I think I have been deeply rewarded each time for taking the risks, even if the results weren’t what I was expecting.
What are some things that are important to you that you’d want to do if you didn’t know tomorrow is guaranteed? Anything you might’ve been procrastinating on that would feel good to cross off your list? Definitely worth thinking about! 💭