Today is my blog’s one year birfdaiye ;_;
I’m so excited about it!!! I don’t know if I’ve ever been this committed to my creative work in such a way that I was able to sustain it for an entire year straight. Even when I was much younger and designing websites, it’d be so sporadic. I’d really get into designing a site and then I’d just drop it. And its happened so many times that I didn’t know if that was the path I wanted to pursue. Hence, studying different fields in college. Even with drawing, once I’m done with it then I’m done and I move onto other things. It was so difficult for me to stick to one thing. Videogames is probably what I’ve been most consistent with but that’s a bit different, I’m not actually being that creative aside from coming up with strategies and stuff. It’s more like I’m training myself through them or developing something within. But maybe there’s some overlap with actual creation? Anyway, this accomplishment feels so different from what I’ve been able to accomplish in the past is all I’m trying to say and I’m actually quite proud of myself for it.
I believe I’ve posted at least once per week so far, if not more. I might’ve missed one here or there just from needing a break, which is healthy IMO. Actually, in hindsight, I probably should’ve taken more breaks but it’s okay. It is what it is. I think I was just afraid of losing the momentum — take one break and then everything stops. But that wasn’t the case at all. I seem to have a lot of creative energy with writing.
I have over 140+ posts by now. Some were awesome, some were deep, some were just me sharing a favorite song here or there, and not all were zingers. However, the thread of connection and story still maintained throughout the content. Like… the music shares weren’t just some random thing, they had deeply embedded messages in them as part of my arcs. Sometimes, the songs can convey things that I can’t in writing. So, I still consider them to be quite meaningful. My poetry has been a bit sparse but I think they came out at all of the right times. So I’m pretty happy with those. I don’t ever like to “force” anything and so I’ve just been going by intuition alone. So far so good! Well, after all I’ve said… maybe they were ALL zingers? Hehehehhehehe ๐
Coming up with the Chaos Baby persona was also quite an adventure. I think there was a time in my blog, with all of the heavy processing, where I didn’t know if I could continue because everything felt so raw. I felt like I was constantly re-opening my old wounds and just laying bare. It was rough to say the least. But then I noticed that my comedic / unhinged posts (e.g. Dear Universe) were *so* delightful to work on that I ended up borrowing from them and creating this layer between the rawest parts of my healing with this chaotic little being. That seemed to bring balance back into my writing that made the experience much more bearable. I was *really* happy to have found that solution because some of the works that I loved working on the most, like Jabba and BLTN, were *extremely* unhinged and chaotic, yet also extremely vulnerable lol. Such fond memories coming up with them!
I think the biggest shock to me is that I’ve been able to maintain this for an entire year and still feel so energized about it. Perhaps watching this blog and myself grow in parallel the past year has been incredibly rewarding? Who I am as a writer, something that found me and wasn’t something I intended to do, has evolved into something so much more since a year ago. I think I’ve become much more confident in my story telling. Words seem to flow out even easier now. Idk how you feel about it but I think I’ve gotten much more natural at knowing how to blend humor and heavy things together so that it’s not that painful to read lol. Pretty happy with this skill! I guess the other shock is that I never would’ve thought I would enjoy writing this much as a creative outlet. I can only assume there is a reason for it… but we’ll see.ย
Also, being the one to manage and maintain the site, be the creative director, be the content creator, etc. has been a challenging but worthy endeavor. I’ve had to wear many hats, which I am used to from my working days, and so that didn’t stop me from continuing to learn and push outside of my comfort zones. I guess I am grateful for that as well — never shying away from a worthy challenge. You know, the biggest struggle I’ve had with growing my websites has always been the content creation part. It’d be such a chore. But that wasn’t the case for this blog — content creation has been a *breeze* and I often had to get rid of content instead. Who knew just expressing myself authentically is the way to go ๐คฃ
My BFF told me of course I have so much to say, I’ve been so quiet for over a decade. Got some good nuggies to share. I guess that’s true. Apparently, I do have a lot to say lol. I did go into hermit mode for a really long time, even more than a decade actually as I was knee deep in work and barely had time to reflect on my thoughts much aside from forcing myself to through meditation classes or self-help workshops. I am extremely grateful for the decade long sabbatical to just be, grow, and learn. I’m aware this isn’t a luxury that many have. So I feel extremely fortunate. I feel very blessed ๐
Oh, another shocker, given how bitter and resentful I had felt about my web work after I had quit my job, I did not expect to go back into it like this. So… another huge surprise. I guess I was able to clear away the contamination that I felt had plagued my work. I’m still not doing web work for anyone else though, just myself, which is fine with me as I don’t exactly have time to spare atm while managing this site. It’s almost like… in parallel to my phoenix rebirth through my dark night of the soul, this blog also “rebirthed” my relationship with web development and gave it a fresh re-start, which is pretty neat! ๐
I guess in a way, this blog wasn’t just documenting my healing journey but that it actually was the vehicle that continued the healing? Not too shabby ๐
Anyway, just wanted to commemorate this momentous day! Hope the blog continues to grow healthily. Regarding what’s coming next… idk, you tell me ๐
Happy one year birthday, my widdo bloggo! I wuv you so muchie ;_;