So, I’m always hesitant to write a post like this because I’m afraid of what implications it could have. But I think it’s worth sharing my truth anyway. I figured instead of being so afraid of how others might feel, it’s best to just share and know it’ll land however it lands. I know what my intentions are and they’re of clear conscience, so hopefully the message gets across properly.
Uncertainty has been incredibly difficult for me to balance. On my good days, when I’m taking care of myself where my self-care is on point, I’m sleeping well, etc. it’s so much easier to stay optimistic and hopeful about the future. But when my sleep is impacted and I’m going down anxiety spirals, that’s when I feel incredibly tested with my relationship to uncertainty.
I think I wanted to share this because I am aware, especially with the comedic focus of my blog lately, which acted as form of protection against how intensely vulnerable I was feeling, I might’ve come off seeming like everything’s great all of the time like I have no worries, when that is in fact not true at all. I have my moments where the struggle is real, like with what has been happening recently. I’ve been feeling like my faith has been severely tested and sometimes I’m even close to losing hope. But then, idk if this is divine intervention or if my mind is just trying to help soothe me, I receive visions of Love that I believe might be helping me keep that hope alive. What’s scary is how I’ve been feeling lately that even “Please trust me” has been losing its power and I wonder if “the powers that be” knows it. And so visions like these are being shared with me to keep me on the right path. I’m not entirely sure what the new vision is about but I’m going to hold it lightly and see what happens.
Just to be clear — my faith being tested has nothing to do with whether I believe in this connection. I strongly believe this connection is everything I think it to be. Where my faith is being tested is whether this is the lifetime that reunion actually happens. Like, why unlock my memories and give me all of these visions if we’re not ready this lifetime? Doesn’t that seem a bit cruel, Universe? Like yes I know they love me and have always loved me. I am sure of that now. What more do you want from me? Just to hold faith or is there more?
The reason I don’t want to share much about how I feel when I get like this is that I’m afraid of how it might impact what happens next. I absolutely do not want reunion that comes from guilt or pity. I want a reunion that’s chosen by both people — freely, truthfully, and authentically. I’m afraid that sharing my struggles might sway decision making so I always hesitate to share how rough emotionally and mentally it’s been at times. It is VERY important to me that we choose from our hearts, regardless if that’s towards or away from reunion, and not because we feel guilty about or obligated to do anything. Authenticity is the MOST important part for me. I value what’s true. I do NOT want anything that is forced or twisted — I’ve been manipulated enough times and never liked it. I do NOT want to put others through that. I will NOT do that to someone I care so much about. It is NOT worth the risk.
I guess I think it’s important for people to know that there will be up days, there will be down days, and even after doing so much shadow work, a never-ending journey really, and intentionally spending so much time on the healing path, that the sadness, fear, and uncertainty doesn’t go away completely. And sometimes, we just have to sit there with the sadness and the darkness and just be. Until, like the clouds in the sky, they finally pass.
What I will say is that as difficult as it has been lately, I have noticed my own resilience — I seem to bounce back much quicker from my down days. This makes me think that maybe I am more emotionally resilient than I had thought. I’m not naive enough to think that life should be all sunshine and rainbows all of the time, but that the good and the bad often dance together and having a healthy relationship with them is what’s important. I think I have that. I’m pretty sure I do.
And maybe, just maybe, I had to sit with all of these uncomfortable feelings so that the grief that was sitting deep below the surface could finally come to light and be felt. I am impressed that there’s even more sadness to be felt because I really thought I felt it all. Now I’m afraid if there’s even more underneath that lol. Hopefully this is it?!
I started watching some dramas I’ve been meaning to watch and what do you know, their storyline hits home way too hard lol. I cried so hard the other day because I felt the exact pain that was happening in the drama. I guess I should stay away from these for now so I don’t spiral myself harder lmao.
Anywayz, pizza.