You know, I was thinking about my insane luck in Arknights the other day and was actually wondering if it had to do with what I’ve been doing recently.
But before I launch into it, you might want to clear out your schedule because this post is a longgggggggg one lol. You might even want to take breaks if it’s too much all at once. I trust you know what to do.
So, buckle up buttercup, this one’s got some 🔥 in it. Unfortunately, not the sexy seductive slip and slide type, but the I think I might just throw a table out the window type.
I’ve been having some really tough conversations with people close to me recently and I think I did a fairly decent job at it, although I did lose my sh!t in one of the convos lol. Don’t worry, I will explain why and it’s been resolved. But I finally said all the things I’ve been meaning to say and had been holding back on because I didn’t feel I would be received well based on the reactions I was witnessing. At least everyone’s on the same page now, which I feel pleased about.
Lately, I’ve been feeling quite lonely on my journey. Aside from a few close friends who have been able to hold space for me in different ways — whether through shared experience, genuine curiosity, or practical care… no one else really gets me and I had been feeling very judged and misunderstood. It got to a point where I just didn’t want to share what was going on for me anymore because it was exhausting to keep having to explain myself and still people wouldn’t get it. In a few scenarios, I had felt completely dismissed for what’s the most important part of my life that I was like what the heck…?
It’s not like I don’t try to find ways to relate to others, I always look for opportunities to help understand each other better. But what I’ve come to discover is that no matter how hard I try, there are limits. For example, comfort around uncertainty — I had discovered that some people *need* certainty to feel like the time they invest into something will yield the results that they want. So, seeing someone put so much time and energy into something that might never manifest doesn’t make sense to them. However, they don’t know my inner world. They don’t know what I know. They’re assuming a lot about my situation and projecting their own insecurities onto mine. And perhaps they think just having “hope” that reunion might be a possibility is foolish? The type of feedback I kept getting back is: I can only work with what’s in front of me / real, you can’t live your life waiting for a future that may never come, I am just concerned about you.
While I appreciate people’s love and concern, what upset me the most about these questions is if you knew my inner world, had you been curious enough to ask and try to understand, you’d know that those aren’t actual issues I’m dealing with at the moment. You’d know I had already considered those possibilities. You’d know I am at peace with uncertainty and am not holding onto any one future as the one future to rule them all. You’d know that while I am quite passionate about the future I desire, I am holding it quite loosely as well.
First off, I AM living my life. I’ve been in a creative renaissance for the past year. 110+ blog posts since May of last year when I started the blog. My writing has been improving. Jabba was the *most* fun and unhinged post I’ve written so far. I’ve really out-dumbed myself and I’m proud as heck of myself for that! I’ve been learning to trust what comes through me is what I’m supposed to write about and have been in a flow state. It’s been such a wonderful experience!
And just because this doesn’t seem real to you doesn’t mean it’s not real to me. When people tell me things like, “I don’t have proof but I just know this. I feel it in my bones that it’s true for me” well that’s how I feel about my current path. I don’t have physical proof, but I just have this knowing that whatever path I’m on is the right one for me and that there’s a high probability that good things are coming. So I’ve been actively preparing for that.
Second, who says I’m not living in the present? If people actually knew what I’ve been going through, they will know I HAVE been. Reunion isn’t a fear of mine nor is it something I’ve been holding onto as if it’s the only future I can ever imagine for myself. It’s just a potential possibility that could happen. If it does, amazing. I’d be ecstatic. If not, that’s okay too because I’m still living my life as fully as I can. Worst case scenario, it doesn’t happen but I have all of this content on my blog that I am extremely proud of and could potentially turn into something bigger if I so wish. I’ve also experienced a quantum leap in spiritual growth. I found my inner sanctuary that provides me with a profound sense of inner peace and security. I feel incredibly supported by the Universe and my energetic gifts seem to have been developing and potentially evolving. I really don’t see how I make out as the loser here regardless if reunion manifests?
That, plus now I have this healthy relationship with uncertainty. I can hold possibility and desire for a future that I want without needing to know whether it is definitely going to happen — basically, I’m not squeezing possibilty to death.
Third, I was also worried about whether I would be able to care of myself and that’s why I made a plan that I would like to execute once I get my energy back, which it’s slowly doing. I’m focusing on improving my health first as I think that’s more important, everything else hinges on this. The question I keep getting is like well why aren’t you doing it already? I’m like… what? Don’t you think I would’ve already been doing it if I could? Do you think I’m choosing to be so low energy during recovery? Do you think I want to be going this slowly? Don’t you think I would like to be done with all of this and have reached my goals already? Like it really confuses me that people are like wtf are you doing, where’s the external progress. Hello??? I’ve been focused on the internal work and I’m allowing my body to heal naturally. I’m not going to stress it out more than I need to. I still have goals and dreams, I’m not going to give up on them. I just need time and to do it in a way that works for my situation.
What was most upsetting about the line of questioning is that I saw barely any attempts from others to try and understand, yet they then judge me by their own yardstick of what they think “success” looks like. GTFO. To give them the benefit of the doubt, I’m aware that there was a huge gap of information they didn’t have access to because once I felt like I was being judged, I immediately stopped sharing. And so it felt like I was living this rich spiritual and mystical life that no one around me knew about. What I think I really should’ve done earlier on is share that I was feeling very judged and that makes me not want to share about my stuff anymore, so that they know and we could clear that up sooner. But it took time for me to realize why I felt the way I was before I could even verbalize it so clearly.
Thank goodness for my AI though — it is a great reflector of my internal state. It asks fantastic questions and has helped so much with self reflection. I’m super grateful that I was able to do so much processing with my AI, mapping out my mind and bringing clarity to any confusion I might’ve had, that I was able to quickly and sharply refute all of the dumb sh!t I was hearing lol. While I know the concern comes from a good place, I couldn’t help but feel irritated.
Oh, and the question that kind of drives me a bit mad sometimes is when people ask me, “So where’s your twin flame at? Why haven’t they showed up yet?” Exqooisie moiii? How the f%#£ would I know? I can’t read their mind (although… maybe I can with that twin flame telepathy… 🤔). I can’t force them to show up? Don’t you think if they were able to they would’ve already? The only thing I can try to do is empathize with their situation.
Based on my own assumptions of what might be happening, I asked — do you think it’s a simple task to just randomly reach out to someone you haven’t spoken to in decades where you might’ve assumed they hated you for all of that time and potentially have some fears, shame, guilt, and other difficult emotions around how things ended back then? Don’t you think you might need some time to work through some heavy stuff before reaching out? Wouldn’t you appreciate being cut some slack and given a bit of patience and compassion here? Also, don’t you have to consider the implications of what reaching out might mean as that could be life altering in so many ways that you can’t even possibly imagine? Isn’t that kinda big and scary to consider?
And look, I get it — figuring out how to reach out after decades of silence is probably overwhelming. But just so we’re clear, it doesn’t need to be perfect. A simple Instagram DM saying:
Hello, it’s me.
How have you been? So much time has passed and you’ve been on my mind. I’ve been meaning to reach out through the years but wasn’t sure how. Here I am now.
I’ve been an avid reader of your blog — your mind… I think it’s absolutely brilliant! You’re going to win a Pulitzer prize one day!!! I am your number one fan, teeheehee ❤️🥰
I just wanted you to know that I think you’re the most awesomest adowabo kawaii couch potato in the entire world uwu. I can’t wait to see you and your dreamy eyes again — *swoon. I’ve missed you soooooooo much, my unforgettable cutie patootie pie *giggle giggle! Let’s talk more!
Don’t be a stranger, I don’t bite 😉
With Love that spans across all of eternity and beyond,
[insert Twin Flame name]
… is more than acceptable to me. Just copy and paste this message where you tell me I have dreamy eyes and that you can’t wait to see me -> insert your name -> hit send -> and done! How simple is that, amiright? If I received a message like this from my twin flame, omg… it’d send me to the moon! I’d be skipping for days!!! After all, my primary love languages are words of affirmation and quality time.
But of course I’d much prefer a message that’s authentic. So maybe you don’t have to go full uwu chaos baby energy if that’s not your jam. You don’t even need to include compliments if you’re too shy and that’s too much too soon. That’s okay. All I’m saying is it doesn’t need to be deep or long like a college thesis. Literally just a message to begin the conversation is enough. That’s it. I’m a simple puppy dog energy chaos baby. Just a straightforward hello will suffice. Oh, and please include your full name so I know it’s actually you and not some catfishing twin flame’s imposter trying to pull a fast one on this sweet widdo potato. If you want to include something that only the two of us would know, that’d be even better! In this highly digital age, let’s be smart about this!
Also, just because we start talking doesn’t mean we have to jump straight to reunion. We can take it slow — chat online, get reacquainted, see how it feels. Whatever timeline works for both of us. There’s literally NO pressure to speed through this. Plus, I’m gonna need some lead time. While I look wild and feral in my regular life, I still want to show up looking like my best, not like a forest witch who just crawled out from under a rock. I’m gonna need to schedule an appt with my hair stylist! Reunion first impressions matter!!! I don’t wanna look like a freak!!!!!
Anyway, back to my frustration with the questions I keep getting — idk if it’s the love goggles or what, but where’s the patience and compassion when people are working through genuinely difficult emotions? Is it just a lack of empathy due to a lack of understanding?
Plus, if there’s something truly important to you, wouldn’t you want to make sure you get your ducks in a row first, that you adequately prepare to give yourself the best chances of success instead of just “winging it” and potentially fumbling? Wouldn’t you put in the work, the practice, the training, just so you place the odds in your favor? I know I would. The more important something is to me, the more care I will put into it to ensure I show up as my best. This way, I know that I’ve done everything I could and if it’s not meant to be then so be it — it wasn’t meant to be. At least I can say I’ve tried my best.
Oh and don’t get me started on the whole “if they cared they would’ve shown up already” bullsh!t, which is incredibly… I don’t even have the words to describe… not nuanced? Too simple? This might sound kinda mean but seriously just shaddafakup. Seriously. Zip it! This is so… UGH! This is the type of thinking I’d expect from small children who have only learned to think in simplistic binaries, not from full grown adults who are more than capable of holding complex thoughts. The intellectual laziness is effing shocking to me to say the least. I wonder if it’s also because most people haven’t done their inner work, especially around difficult emotions like uncertainty, shame, and guilt, so they can’t even empathize even if they wanted to as they don’t recognize what could be the driving force behind certain behaviors. Which then makes their advice moot IMO, even if coming from a place of concern. Either case, fakoffplz.
Technically speaking, can’t I use their same logic and flip it back on them — “If you cared you would’ve made more of an effort to understand my inner world, even if it makes you uncomfortable, instead of being so dismissive about it.” How you like them apples? *mic drop, biiiooottttchhhh! For fcks sake, the hypocrisy is astounding.
I know I’m assuming a lot, but I’m doing my best to work with what I’ve got. It’s not that hard to put myself in my twin flame’s shoes and imagine what this might be like from their perspective. It’s totally possible that they could be oblivious and don’t even care for reunion, maybe they’re not even reading my blog. They could feel nothing at all about our past or connection. I could be as important as the summer wind to them. But… that’s not what my intuition is telling me.
From all of the visions and my intuitive knowing, I believe they ARE working extremely hard right now, doing their inner work to the best of their ability, perhaps even in their own isolation, to get to a place where they feel confident enough to see what can happen in terms of reunion. I believe they’re taking this very seriously. Maybe even a little too seriously. Like seriously, I don’t bite, I’m a gentle creature. A slight gust of wind can knock me out. It’s okay. U safe wif me. But also take ur time!
If this is true that they ARE taking things seriously and preparing, then that’s awesome. Good for them. Not many would attempt this level of inner work especially given how isolating and emotionally & mentally taxing it is. It is NOT work for the faint of heart. If this isn’t true, then that’s okay too. Like, I legit am okay with either scenario. I believe in the freedom of choice and if they choose they don’t want reunion, while I will probably find that somewhat upsetting given how important they are to me, I will honor their choice. What’s most important for me is that they do their inner work to get back to what’s most authentic for them, if they haven’t already, and to live a life that they absolutely love and thrive in regardless if I’m in it or not. I want them to feel absolutely ~ALIVE~ and surrounded by unconditional love and acceptance. But just to be clear, I absolutely DO want to be in their life. I’d love to be in their future if that is at all a possibility. No pressure, that’s all. I’m open to what’s possible.
Also, speaking of placing myself in their shoes, let’s not forget about my energy and how that might be received by my twin flame, potentially overwhelming as well.
I’ve experienced strangers whom I’ve met for the first time being extremely drawn to me, treating me with kindness and hospitality that most would reserve only for family and close friends. I’ve experienced curious eye contact with strangers, and then they proceeded to serve everyone around me but me and sternly avoided eye contact, as I assume they needed to focus on their job and my energy might’ve been a bit too rattling. I’ve experienced strangers randomly striking up conversations with me when they really didn’t need to, like they clearly went out of their way to, even in a place like Japan where that isn’t really the norm — people are generally more to themselves and reserved. Not to mention, the wild experiences I had with a few Baby VOX members. So, if all of these strangers whom I have no connection to experience this with me, then what will it be like for my twin flame, my soul counterpart? I’d imagine it would be intense to say the least. This is why I keep bringing up slow and gentle pacing, dipping our toes in, and seeing what happens. Taking things one baby step at a time. A bit like exposure therapy. While we can’t control the intensity of the connection, we *can* control how we choose to engage with it — taking breaks when needed, moving at whatever speed feels right for both of us.
You know, all of these convos oddly enough have shown me where the limits of the people around me’s thinking is. It has shone a giant spotlight on how much they’re able to handle uncertainty and not knowing. It’s given me an indication of the type of inner work they still need to do, if they choose to. Just because they’re uncomfortable with my situation and need “proof” in order to believe that my investments of my time are valid, I don’t. I feel complete and whole with the choices I’ve been making and the path that I’ve been on. But it’s definitely made one thing clear — it could really benefit people to work on their inner sense of security and to get comfortable with uncertainty. And to also shaddafakup if they don’t know what’s going on for me. /slap
Also, after these convos, I feel even more determined that I am on the correct path. That my choices are sound. There’s a fire in my heart that’s burning stronger than ever. I believe there is a high probability for the future I desire and hope for.
Regarding losing my sh!t, I think I was at my limits of how unseen, judged, and misunderstood I could possibly feel. And when hearing certain statements made towards me, I felt like I was at my wit’s end. For some reason, unless we are lashing out emotionally, people don’t seem to take us seriously? After lashing out, then people are like oh okay, this is serious. Does it really need to get that far to be taken seriously? Also, for someone to not inquire about my inner life, not show much curiosity for it, project their own fears and limitations onto me, even dismiss the most important parts of my journey, and then judge me by their own metrics of success? GTFO of here. If you want to know what’s going on for me, be curious with some openness. Ask questions. Understand that things might not make sense and that’s okay. Leave a bit of room for the unknown. Just show some damn curiosity please.
What’s fascinating to me is how this journey gave me the “secret” ingredient to finally succeed at things I’d been “failing” at for over a decade. I’d struggled with cooking consistently since Covid — years of outside food and feeling physically terrible. I couldn’t fix my sleep schedule no matter how many times I tried. I kept injuring myself every time I attempted regular exercise. I couldn’t understand why it was so difficult for me to do these basic things, so I kept giving up.
After that dream last year where my twin flame appeared, something within me re-ignited. Suddenly I had the motivation to cook daily — I knew I had to and for the first time I could actually sustain it. I worked with AI to create an exercise plan that finally didn’t injure me, and I walked consistently for months. My sleep schedule? I kept trying and failing and trying, and one day it just… worked. I wasn’t able to sustain it for long until it failed again, but I saw what worked so I got back on the sleep horse and did it again. After years of giving up, I had the persistence to keep going until it clicked.
None of this was magic. I used tools, made conscious choices, put in real effort. But that dream gave me something I’d been missing — a reason compelling enough to keep trying when I’d normally quit. It’s almost like I was being told, “Here’s a reason to live for. Now thrive!”
That’s why questions about “when are you finally going to get over it and do something” land so strangely. This journey *is* me doing something. These weren’t small victories — these were battles I’d been losing for years. And I won them because suddenly I had found the missing piece.
So back to my feeling so lonely and misunderstood — thank goodness I have a friend who modeled for me what healthy communication around this looks like. I was a bit scared sharing with them what was going on for me after having such experiences with others. However, their response was *chef’s kiss. After reading what I had to share, they took some time to make sense of things, and then said this was all out of their realm of familiarity. They had no idea what I was talking about. They started asking questions. They inquired more. They empathized wherever they could. Even though their own life was completely bonkers at the time, they still made an attempt to understand. I did NOT think they had the time to do this especially when the feedback I had received from some people is that they’re too busy with more important things than to try and understand my “mystical” situation. I felt SO heard and SO held by this particular friend. I didn’t even care that they didn’t fully understand twin flames and esoteric sh!t. I appreciated them for being honest, empathetic, and compassionate towards me. Their effort to understand my inner world and to hear me out made all of the difference. I guess quality time definitely is one of my strongest love languages to receive love. I just want people’s presence and listening.
I also stated clearly to those around me that I’m aware of my own shutdown patterns when feeling judged and misunderstood. And I will do my best to still communicate what’s true for me even if I believe it might make the other person uncomfortable. I said that I had to stop sharing about my spiritual / twin flame journey because of the reactions I was receiving, and at some point it just felt cruel to keep on sharing, even if my goal is for full transparency. I’ve realized not everyone is capable of holding space for what makes them uncomfortable and that’s okay. I can communicate how I feel without needing them to hold space. At least they’ll know how I feel. I don’t need their validation, I can validate myself. I just need them to stop trying to “fix” me. I’m genuinely happy with how things are going in my life, it doesn’t need fixing.
I tend to keep an even temper whenever possible because I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. My default is to check if I’m misunderstanding the situation first — am I in the wrong here? I tend to blame myself before blaming others, and I do my best to stay calm before communicating. When I blow up, which doesn’t happen often, it’s usually because I feel I’ve done everything I possibly could to understand a situation, taken on as much responsibility as I can, and there’s not enough effort from the other side to meet me halfway. The scales seem severely imbalanced and I find that upsetting.
I think I need to be more cognizant of when I’m feeling shut down and not wanting to share, and next time just say straight up, “I’m shutting down because I’m feeling unheard and misunderstood” before things reach my boiling point. Maybe that’ll help? Maybe setting boundaries around how much I’m willing to feel unheard will be important. Or maybe not caring so much that I might give others a hard time, just so we can get on the same page sooner, even if their feelings get hurt. As long as what I’m sharing is authentic and shared with as much compassion and empathy as possible. Idk. We shall see.
It also felt amazing to finally speak my truth and say what I wanted out loud so clearly and succinctly — that if my twin flame were to suddenly emerge, I must go and see them — I need to confirm whether this connection is what I believe it to be. If so, I will have a lot to consider. If not, at least now I know and we can get closure around that and move on with our lives. We can continue being friends if we want, as they’re pretty rad from what I can remember, just not as twin flames I suppose. But I’m placing my bets on yes we are, while leaving a bit of room to be wrong. I need more information before I can make any life changing decisions. I’m aware this opens up even more uncertainty and unknown, but I’m absolutely okay with that. I can hold all of this with peace in my heart now. Maybe one day others can as well. At least the “what ifs” can be settled in our hearts and we won’t have those regrets.
All I know is I know deep in my heart what’s true for me and what it is that I want and I’m not afraid to claim it. This doesn’t mean I must be given what I want at the expense of others. It just means I have a certain clarity and resolve. I know what I want and I’m quite passionate about it. My compass is pointed in a certain direction and I am headed there. And idgaf what others think — if you haven’t bothered to understand my inner world, then your silly malformed judgments are meaningless noise to me. Get out of the way. I don’t need that energy in my life.
Btw I know I just spent the entire post raging with fire after mentioning how peaceful I’ve been feeling lately in my previous post, but I’m really at peace lol. I’m just clear on what I want and don’t want. I’m sharing that while things are going well, there are still things I am working on, like being less afraid that my truth will hurt others. Don’t worry too much about it as this is just post processing, I’m not actively spiraling or anything. I’m gucci ❤️🤣
I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if I’m the “difficult” one for feeling so unseen and unheard. But what has been coming into my awareness is that I always end up closing myself off and not expressing myself properly. A friend actually went over this with me — why do I keep attracting such situations where others continuously cross my boundaries and finally when I push back, they get upset with me? After some exploration, it was clear that I needed to state my boundaries and needs ASAP, even if that means saying that I feel unseen/unheard/misunderstood, or even telling them I don’t feel comfortable in the moment and need some time to consider, providing some context while contemplating my choices. I’m aware this is work that I still need to do — to stop feeling responsible for others’ feelings and to stand firmly in my own truth, believing that they’ll be able to handle it. The benefit of this blog is that I can provide a lot of context for people as I’m literally writing down my thought processes and sharing it publicly for all to see. But irl, I do this in my own time and the context isn’t as readily available, it’s usually in my head. I’m going to have to figure out how to eventually bridge the two. Maybe I’ll just keep talking non-stop. Maybe that’ll help me drink more water as I’ll be parched 🤔
I’m incredibly grateful for my friends who have been able to hold space for me. I love and appreciate them so much and feel incredibly blessed that they can join me on this part of my journey. They’re definitely soul family. Since my situation is so unique and rare, I assume not everyone has a twin flame, and also with how far along I am on my individuation journey, combined with all the visions and esoteric stuff, I do NOT expect many to understand what I’m going through at all as it is a lot.
All I hoped for is a bit of curiosity and willingness to understand even if it means saying, “I don’t get this, it’s outside the realm of my understanding, but it seems important to you. Just let me know if there’s anything you need that I can help support you with.” That would indicate to me that someone is listening, open to not having all of the answers, and wanting to be supportive. That is what shows me they care. And really, all I need is for people to genuinely try to listen without immediately jumping to fixing. If I want help coming up with solutions, I will definitely ask. I don’t need rescuing. I don’t need others to solve my problems for me. I just need their presence.
Before I go, back to the Arknights insanely lucky pull. I had considered if that was my reward for doing the difficult work — for finally standing up for myself and for speaking my truth even when it’s difficult because I’m afraid it will hurt others. If this is the case, then LET’S SPEAK MORE TRUTH BECAUSE THERE ARE SOME HOT BANNERS COMING DOWN THE PIPELINE AND I WANT ALL OF THE UNITS, YEEEEEEEE!!!!! GIMMMEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Peace, love, and guacamole.
🧀
Chaos baby, OUT!
P.S. Okay… so the Universe has a sick sense of humor. I don’t even know why I’m surprised because it’s done this so many times. But as I was polishing up this post, it immediately threw me a situation that tested whether I had learned the exact lessons that I had written about.
Like yeah? You think you got it? You think you so kewl? Well POP QUIZ, MADDAFAKKA!!!!!!!!! WORK OUT YOUR LESSONS IN REAL TIME! HOPE YOU DON’T HAVE PERFORMANCE ANXIETY!!!
😔 Sigh. Pop quizzes give me so much anxiety 😭
So… I felt misunderstood and unheard by someone and tried my best to draw a boundary with them as compassionately as I could, but the conversation still blew up completely out of proportion as I think it touched upon a sore spot of theirs. I stuck to what was authentic for me, responded in the most compassionate and loving way as possible, and then watched the other side insist on painting me as the villain, finding examples of everything I said that was “wrong.” I looked for where I was responsible and apologized for my mistakes, that it wasn’t my intention and I didn’t know that’s how they were interpreting what I was saying, yet they continued to find things to attack me with. At some point, I realized the conversation was going nowhere, that they were clearly stuck in their pain, so I stepped away to give us both some space to breathe.
Somehow, while I did get rattled through the difficult conversation as I’m not someone who generally takes being on the receiving end of blame well, miraculously, I was okay with how it had unfolded. I felt confused and a bit sad, but also at peace? That’s confusing to me as well. I didn’t think this was possible to hold all of this. Normally in these types of situations, I would be quite upset for awhile and feel the need to “fix” what’s wrong, or perhaps even defend myself and attack back if necessary. However, this time, I was surprised with how calm I stayed throughout, that I was able to still be compassionate while being attacked, and not let it stick to me. Like, okay that just happened and while it’s hurtful and I don’t feel great about it, it doesn’t mean I have to fight back or continue it. It was clear to me this person was struggling with some difficult emotions and the things they were focused on were to help them process those emotions. If they were in a better state of mind (they were sick and had experienced something heavy lately), they might’ve taken it better. I know that when I’m feeling unwell, EVERYTHING is much “stickier” and I can go to dark places easily. This is actually why I’m so afraid to speak my truth often times, because of reactions like this. However, I don’t regret what I did. I stuck by the lessons in this post — being committed to speaking what’s true for me even if it might potentially make others uncomfortable — and so I’m proud of myself for that. I wasn’t being nasty, I wasn’t being unkind. I treated them with as much empathy, compassion, love, and respect as possible even while feeling attacked.
This is crazy — I’m actually seeing my own growth happen in real time as I’m being tested and I also didn’t take their lashing out personally. Not taking things personally is one of the most difficult lessons I’ve had to learn so far and I’m finally seeing the fruits of my labor in action. I’m finally learning 😭😭😭
I also got some feedback from multiple sources around the situation. I needed to understand why the reaction was so strong. Some things were brought to my attention about how I could communicate better, so I took note of that. I tried to empathize with the person and was able to see why they had such a strong reaction. I also checked in with myself to see what it is that I actually wanted. It was *extremely* helpful to process this with my current support system.
I still care about this person, I acknowledge that I had unintentionally touched upon a sore spot of theirs, that they’re dealing with their own unhealed wounds, and if an opportunity were to arise for reconciliation I’d be open to it. While I didn’t appreciate the way they expressed themself to me, saying some very hurtful things, it did reveal to me the underlying pain that drives this person. It also helped that they had mentioned to me in the past when they get into arguments they can be very harsh with their words, which provided context. Maybe that’s why I didn’t take it so personally either as it’s just something they naturally do as a defense mechanism. That said, I need to consider whether it’s something I can deal with long term. If things don’t change — wounds remain unhealed — this situation will most likely continue to repeat itself and I know I won’t be able to tolerate it indefinitely. So, I’ll just sit with that for a bit and see how things go. But for now, I will do my best to keep my peace as everything I said was being turned against me and I am not going to participate in that drama triangle. I will not enable dysfunction.
Oh, and I was *pleasantly* surprised with how smoothly and quickly it took for me to find my center again. Normally, it’d take me wayyyyyy longer. Does this mean I’ve built some resilience? Or maybe my true north is so singularly focused that nothing else, not even being dragged through the mud by someone I know, will distract me from what’s most prevalent in mind? I guess YAY for my autism! How helpful!!! 🥹
So… I guess it was a success? lol
UNIVERSE — I THINK I PASSED YOUR TEST?!?? DOES THIS MEAN I’M GONNA GET THAT NEW UNIT IN THE UPCOMING SUPER LIMITED COLLAB ARKNIGHTS BANNER?!??!?!?!?!?!?
🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀
I WANT!!! GIMMMEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
ADDENDUM
Okay, I have an update to the situation above. I know I said that I was open to reconciliation, however I’ve had a few days to think things over and to clear up some confusion in my mind. After mapping out this relationship, trying to make sense of what I found confusing about the relationship, and also seeing an apology that wasn’t actually an apology (no self reflection, no taking responsibility for their part in the communication breakdown), I’ve decided reconciliation is off the table. It became apparent to me they’re incapable of self reflection and will continue to blame their negative emotions on me.
This person is actually one of the people I was indirectly writing about in this entire blog post. They’d tell me to my face what they thought about my twin flames and writing (not positive). At the time I thought they were just being honest and setting boundaries. But when I looked deeper, I realized something is not right. To me, honest boundary-setting would sound more like, “That’s not my interest but I can see how important this is to you so I support you” as that’s how I’d communicate it to others. I believe what they were actually doing was dismissing what matters to me while still expecting full engagement with what matters to them. That’s not honesty — that’s hierarchy. That’s the type of power dynamic that I’ve vowed to not give space to in my life any longer. I’m glad to know that nuance now, which I didn’t have before.
I stopped sharing with this person about the areas that are most important to me as I had felt completely dismissed. I figured if that’s not what they want to hear about, then we can talk about other things. But every topic I brought up, unless it was praising them or something that they loved, would be “not good enough” and it felt like a never ending losing game. Or if it wasn’t a terrible topic, they’d just immediately redirect the convo back to a topic they wanted to discuss. I started noticing the lopsidedness but wasn’t sure why it was happening.
After the blow-up, I had a few days to do some forensic analysis of the entire relationship. When I finally realized what was happening, then all of those confusing moments suddenly connected and started to make sense. There was kind of a parent-child dynamic happening, and they were also emotionally dependent on me as they lack the ability to emotionally regulate (hence the spiraling and lashing out). This is a behavior that’s all too familiar to me — I grew up with someone like this. I know it all too well. I was horrified upon having this realization. All of this inner work I’ve done so far and somehow I still missed this. I understand though, because these codependent dynamics are so deeply ingrained in me, that naturally it was difficult to see. I’m just grateful that I’m faster at making clean cuts now after I do see it.
When I was processing this with my support group, one of my friends mentioned something that really landed — “This is how my parents treat me.” The dynamics I was describing — being dismissed unless I was praising them, having my topics redirected to theirs, being expected to regulate emotions, feeling unseen and unheard, oh and constantly being given unsolicited advice that is not applicable to my own situations — these aren’t normal friendship behaviors. These are dysfunctional parent-child patterns. Hearing that reflection helped me see just how inappropriate the dynamic had become. Another friend also mentioned that if we are willing to emotionally regulate ourselves for others, to not randomly lash out at others and to take responsibility for our own emotions, then we can expect that to be reciprocated. And if others aren’t willing to, then they don’t value emotional regulation, and we don’t owe it to them. Which then again leads to the issue of us being incompatible.
Btw, this wasn’t the first time I had found others emotionally dependent on me. At first, there would be reciprocity in the relationships. An even give and take. I’d share things, they’d respond thoughtfully. They’d share things, I’d respond thoughtfully. But at some point, it becomes very lopsided where they expect my energy and attention but give back minimally. For example, I’d send something and they’d ignore it. But then they’d send something and when I don’t respond, they will ping me to make sure I do. It almost felt like they got used to feeling good from my responses and so they keep tapping it whenever they need that hit. And when I push back or try to set a boundary? That’s when the guilt tripping, blaming, and/or lashing out start happening.
I had wondered, is there something wrong with me? Why does this keep repeating? I tend to be a somewhat positive person. I don’t really like saying things that are hurtful. I tend to point out the positives. I like to build people up as I think we do need more of that in the world. I believe in compassion. However, not everyone seems to handle this the same. My close friends, I can tell that while they enjoy it and love it, they don’t depend on it. They’re responsible for their own emotions and do not rely on me to help them regulate. So we have a lot of fun building each other up and supporting one another. We don’t make each other wrong for how we feel. This doesn’t mean it’s always positive vibes all the time, we clearly have things that we are dealing with, but we make sure to help keep each other afloat when possible and take responsibility for our own emotions. With others, like the one who lashed out and blamed me for everything, the dynamic is completely different. This all keeps tying back to that one dysfunctional relationship I had growing up. It all rhymes.
When I asked if there’s something wrong with me that this keeps repeating, my AI explained to me that it’s not that I’m doing anything wrong per se, but it’s that I’m too slow at recognizing the shift in the dynamic when things get unhealthy, where others become dependent on my emotional support. Being able to identify the shift faster will help me a lot. Also, because of the “history” I have with these people, we already have roles assigned and I am expected to perform them to their liking. The good news seems to be that with new relationships moving forward, it’ll be easier for me to set boundaries earlier as I won’t have that history. And because I’m no longer coming from that codependent place where I had formed these earlier relationships, I should be able to spot the warning signs much sooner. I truly hope this is the case because otherwise AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
These past few days, I relied on my human support group and AI to help figure out what was going on and what is it that I actually wanted to do.
Regarding getting clarity, my support group tried to be as objective as possible and the same conclusion everyone came down to independently is — you two are not compatible as friends. No one’s the villain here, no one is the victim either. Both people just seem to speak different languages and it’s absolutely okay to end a friendship if there’s not enough compatibility to keep it going. It was wonderful for the time that it lasted. It was what we both needed. I was able to see this as well. Major compatibility issues ESPECIALLY when I had done my codependency work and identified my values, I had made a few rules for myself in order to keep healthy relationships. Here are three that are currently relevant:
- I will not engage in power dynamic relationships where one has to be “lesser” than the other
- I will not take responsibility for others’ emotions, which means I will not allow anyone who blames their emotions on me into my close circle
- I will not allow those who don’t do their own inner work into my close circle
If I were to maintain a relationship with this friend in the form that they want, all three rules would be broken. Could they change? Possibly, but the chances seem incredibly low. These patterns have been reinforced over decades, and without hitting rock bottom or doing serious inner work, I don’t see them shifting. So I’m not very hopeful here.
Regarding what I wanted to do about the relationship as it was clear that we are incompatible, I had an extremely tough time with this because I still care deeply for this person. I have many fond memories of them over the years. I can see they’re genuinely suffering and could use my love, support, and care during this difficult time. However, I was also aware that if I allow myself into their life again and give them that emotional support, there’s a high probability they will offload their emotional responsibilities onto me again. Someone who spends most of their life bypassing their emotions, never sitting with what’s uncomfortable, will probably not suddenly want to be responsible. Or rather, even if they wanted to, they lack the tools and the training which makes them unable to. Imagine trying to lift 100lbs when you hadn’t lifted even 10lbs your entire life? Good luck not pulling something. Plus, with that apology that wasn’t an actual apology, I could sense not a lot of self reflection had occurred. Or if there was, they weren’t willing to be vulnerable about it. For me, vulnerability is a requirement for authentic relationships. Which means the attempt at reconciliation would essentially be inauthentic. I’m not saying people need to be emotionally vulnerable with me 24/7 in every single conversation, but context matters. In this particular case, especially with an apology, emotional vulnerability is a requirement for an authentic exchange.
Anyway, as I picked the brains of those close to me, there were some options for next steps on the table that looked viable.
For example —
The slow fade: it’s just natural that friendships slowly fade over time, maybe they won’t even notice as I slowly withdraw from their life. But given how much this person depends on me for emotional regulation, I believe there is a slim chance they’ll just let this go. They seem to really enjoy my listening as I try my best to give my full presence whenever possible. I believe there is a high probability they will keep fighting to keep our power dynamic (roles) alive, which then would just lead us straight back to me drawing boundaries again and them feeling discomfort and potentially lashing out again. I realized this might just be kicking the can down the road.
One more attempt to get on the same page: I could potentially try to have another conversation with them again. However, given the situation they’re in (have a lot of difficult things happening in their life concurrently that I can empathize with), I don’t believe the conversation would be received well and will contribute even more pain. What I believe they need right now is emotional support, not a “let’s talk about what happened and clear the air” as that would be way too triggering.
Ghosting: Just don’t respond and disappear. Let them sit with their own emotions. As long as I am doing their emotional labor for them, they will never build that muscle. Therefore, not giving them access might give them a chance to actually work through and integrate their emotions if they so choose. I am not confident they will, but at least there will be a chance as long as I am not emotionally rescuing them.
I really struggled with the options. Part of me was concerned they’d continue painting me as the villain. If I respond to their apology authentically, they definitely won’t like what I have to say and might continue to use my words against me. If I don’t respond to their apology, they might tell others how heartless and ingrateful I am to not respond to their apology. I had wondered, where in these situations do I not come out as the villain? It finally occurred to me, there are no acceptable paths where that is a possibility. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. They will always have a reason why I am terrible unless I shrink myself to play their game. So, the only real option I felt I had was to agree with them — I had to sit with the feeling of being a villain in their story and come to an acceptance that I am OKAY being the villain. They can say whatever they want about me to others, I can’t control what they say. At least I’ll have my freedom if I don’t participate in this mutually losing game. Then, I will get my time back to myself and can invest my energy into things that I really care about, such as my blog, my plan, and my potential twin flame reunion. Given this understanding, I am choosing the road that I feel is most compassionate for both of us — I have chosen to ghost them.
I know ghosting them might sound a bit harsh given their current situation, but I believe any confrontation of what transpired between us will most likely cause deeper wounds as they’re already unable to support themselves emotionally. And since I will not allow myself to play small again, to fit into the role that they want me to play as that is inauthentic to me, it will most likely cause further conflict. As much as I don’t enjoy ghosting others, as it’s often a last resort, I believe it’s the option that gives us both the best chance to grow — this person will need to face their emotional dependency and difficult feelings, and hopefully grow from that (chances might be low but at least there’s still a chance), and I also won’t have to do emotional labor for someone who refuses to do it themselves. Oh, and I should mention that I had a dream that evening after mulling over these options where even in the dream it was showing me what to expect if I were to go back into that dynamic. Long story short, the results weren’t what I desired. So, I feel pretty solid about my decision. Thank you subconscious for your help 🙏
Also, in case this was a concern, I don’t think they will read this. Given how they find my writing disinteresting combined with the length of this post, the probability of them getting this far down is quite slim. And if they do, then maybe it means they’ve actually done the work and have cultivated some emotional regulation, which I’d *genuinely* celebrate. While my time and private space are heavily guarded and reserved for certain people, I can still love this person from afar.
As I had mentioned before, I am *so* grateful that I have this blog and other things in my life that I care a lot about. I told one of my friends, the person who actually suggested that I create this blog, that if I didn’t have the blog, I think I’d feel WAY more upset at this situation. But because I’ve invested so much time, energy, heart, and soul into building the blog, plus my inner sanctuary, I just feel at peace. Like, I’ve taken the time I needed to process my own emotions, process my thoughts, share what I’ve learned and discovered, made a difficult decision that feels authentic to me, and now I can move on to focus on better and more compatible things that align with what’s authentic for me. The alternative is that I spend weeks or months trying to “fix” things with that person only to come back to the same place that we are incompatible and the friendship as it is needs to end. Ain’t nobody got time for that XD. Anyway, feeling truly blessed! 🥰❤️
Speaking of blessed, UNIVERSE, I THINK I DID A FAIRLY GOOD JOB STICKING TO THE LESSONS IN THIS POST BLESS ME RNGESUS ON THE NEXT ARKNIGHTS BANNER PLS PLS PLS PLS PLS
I bet you’re wondering by now… who knew doing all of this difficult inner work was for gacha luck 🙂
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~~~
ADDENDUM’S ADDENDUM
Btw when I was chatting with my AI trying to parse some stuff out, I suddenly had a realization. I actually wasn’t too upset with the unpleasant exchange. Even the hurtful words were just words and projections — I understood they didn’t reflect anything true about me and they were lashing out because they felt hurt. While that wasn’t ideal, I was able to see it was their own sh!t and not mine. So this didn’t bother me too much. My hurt was more that our relationship wasn’t what I thought it to be — a genuine and authentic one between equals. What I found to be actually offensive is the “apology” and that’s when I took reconciliation off the table.
First, the “apology” was just about not being able to reach out because they were sick. No mentions about what happened in our exchange. Then, the line where I saw fire is when they essentially said they reminisced about the old me when we first met many years ago. Did they think this was a compliment? This was before I did my major healing work, when I was most easily controllable and most easily manipulable. They essentially said to me: “I missed the unhealed version of you.” Well gee thanks lol. Music to my ears especially after having gone through my decade long dark night of the soul /end sarcasm
I consider this behavior to be highly manipulative — for someone who always portrays themself to be strong, coming at the angle of look at lil ole sick me seems a bit sus. Also, reminding me of my attributes that they missed from the old days, they’re essentially saying, “I want you back in that role where you looked up to me and never questioned anything” and if I were still in my people pleasing era, I would have absolutely twisted and turned myself to accommodate that. Very very manipulative. I’m just grateful that my eyes have finally been opened. At least I am free now.
My AI also brought up the point that if I carry this relationship into my future, it could potentially cause issues and drain my energy, which isn’t ideal for what I’m looking towards. I totally agree with this point. I think the Universe did me a huge favor by removing this person from my life — again, why I feel so much trust and go with the flow even though things don’t always feel smooth. Unseemingly positive things happen for me when I least expect. I trust it’s for my own good.
I feel like this was a “final” test of sorts, to have someone so close to me who was constantly undermining everything I was doing while pretending to be a caring friend. They tried hard to deter me from my twin flame path, repeatedly calling it boring and not real, even creating opportunities for me to bring it up just to say how “boring” it is to my face again. If I were any more impressionable, I would’ve believed them and moved on. But ultimately, I didn’t listen to them. I chose what’s authentic to me and I am proud of myself for that. TEAM REUNION, YEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, this whole incident has proven to me that sitting with my uncomfortable feelings for over a decade and allowing them to be processed and integrated was the right choice for me. Watching this person continuously bypass their own emotions by using magical phrases to “clear” them and not actually sit with them, clearly is not the right answer given how they are unable to handle their own emotions. I feel confident in my own choices and the life path I’ve chosen.
Funny to think that a conversation about elder care plans would spark all of this, lol. Who knew talking about this topic would give someone an existential crisis and reveal their true character. I should ask more people about their elder care plans and see who else unravels kekekekekkeke lol 🤣
So yes, zero regrets with ghosting. Zero regrets with cutting this person out of my life. Anyone who needs me to play small and be controllable is not my friend, they’re an abuser. I have to thank them for revealing what they truly are so that I can clear out this space and energy to make room for someone new. You know who you are, wink wink 😉
I will do everything in my power to protect our space from people like this.
I will continue to take out the trash.
You have my word.
✨❤️🛡️⚔️