BTW I noticed a bit of a middle aged phenomenon. And in a way I kind of understand it.
I’ve been reconnecting with old friends and contacts the past year, and many of them seem to have gone through the same thing where they end up feeling diminished, overloaded, and not in their full power. That or they’ve completely lost sight of who they are. I’m always a bit shocked because I’m like yoooo… do you not remember who you were when you were younger!? You had dreams! You had vision! You had drive! Where did that person go? The response is usually that life had beaten the hope and dreams out of them. Touché.
I definitely understand, especially after having gone through my own dark forest for a decade. It was agonizing to feel my soul slowly wither away, where I was basically was just waiting for my time to go. With experiencing enough disappointments and setbacks, what’s the point anymore? But then the dream I had last year basically jumpstarted my soul and thankfully I was able to pull myself out of that situation. I mean a lot of it had to do with taking proper care of myself, physically, emotionally, mentally, and soulfully as they’re all closely related and impact one another. But it’s almost like I needed a reason to remind me of why *I’m* worth fighting for. And now that I’m on the other side of things, I’m definitely glad that dream happened. Otherwise, I don’t know how much longer I would’ve allowed myself to wither away without something that I felt was worth fighting for. Which sounds really strange because I had many things worth fighting for but with my half dead soul, I just couldn’t for the life of me.
So then as I’ve been reconnecting with my friends, I’ve been wondering what happened? When did we collectively lose our “spark” so to speak? It’s kind of sad to witness but perhaps it’s all part of our “grand” plan. If we don’t truly understand what darkness looks like, how could we ever appreciate what’s on the other side and learn how to balance the two? Unfortunately, we do live in a world of binaries and so there usually is a bit of juggling that we need to do. Ever notice that some people can’t hold multiple truths at the same time and must choose either one or another? Well, there’s another way. There’s the let’s hold all truths together and not let that break us way. I’ve noticed that the ones who have integrated both shadow and light usually gain the ability to hold both at the same time and not let that destroy them.
I wonder if most of us middle aged people need a “soul” jumpstart somehow. I was lucky because mine came to me in a dream with someone who was very important to me, which reminded me of who I am and the year after was basically an excavation of my authentic Self and how do I return to that person? Digging up treasures along the way to keep with me and tossing out what wasn’t true. And I do wonder how much of this was pre-orchestrated or if it were an S.O.S from my subconscious needing me to wake TF up. I have no idea. But I do wonder if many of us have become *soul impoverished* so to speak and need that jumpstart?
Another thing is, I could be wrong but, I feel like a lot of us at middle age don’t feel as accomplished in the ways that we want to be and make ourselves wrong for it. Like, I should have gotten here by now, I should have gotten there by now. Basically buying into the lifestyle and stories that our predecessors have laid out for us. Except we live in a totally different world with issues that they never had to deal with.
One of the most interesting things to me that the older generations like to say is when they were OUR age they had this or that already (marriage, house, etc.). And it’s like yeah? When you were our age did you have access to instant messaging, e-mails, etc.? Did you have the same stresses to deal with or was life a lot slower for you guys with your horse-drawn carriages and sh!t? Was there as much competition? Did you invest money into an expensive degree just to find out there’s no jobs available for your major? Did you have to deal with runaway inflation? It’s so fascinating to witness the lack of empathy and understanding around this. Anyway, not trying to rant but I think we deserve better than that judgment.
Also, I often think about what Carl Jung says about life beginning at 40. Basically, the 20s and 30s are for exploration and making mistakes. And 40s are for integration and the individuation process where we take everything we’ve learned from our younger decades and create the new version of us with the lessons learned. Our Version 2.0 so to speak. I truly believe this is the case and it’s incredibly important that we do face our shadows and integrate our experiences, otherwise we can stay stuck and resentful. But this requires a lot of courage — to be able to take a magnifying glass and look at where in our lives that needs adjustment. Is it our way of thinking? Our way of being? What mistakes are we making that has our life not going the way that we want and how do we change that on a fundamental level? Easier said than done, but not impossible. It’s just a lot of hard work. But I guarantee the rewards are worth it if the integration is done properly. There is a lightness that comes with having done the work where life no longer feels that “serious” where we can even laugh at ourselves. Things can be held lightly.
Anyway, back to the friends I’ve reconnected with. As I’ve observed how they’ve changed from when I last knew them (many of them I haven’t spoken to in decades), and wondering where their younger self with hopes and dreams had gone, I realized that it’s actually not all lost. That part of them is still there, still existing. Just that “life” had beaten them down so hard they either no longer believe what they want is possible or their hope is gone. Most are just too tired and exhausted to even “dream” or think anymore. And from what I’ve learned thus far, from that famous Henry Ford’s quote: “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t — you’re right.” Oddly enough, it’s our own limiting beliefs that dictates what’s possible in our life. I think that’s why taking Landmark Education was so powerful for me. It helped me identify those limiting beliefs to see what was blocking me from having the actual life that I wanted. Who knew it was all my own thinking lol. Once I identified those limiting beliefs and zapped them, it’s almost like I changed into a different person. But that’s not really true, I just became more of my true Self, and removed what was untrue, layer by layer. Also, if possible, removing “responsibilities” seems to be another key thing — most people I know are incredibly competent and overachievers and have clearly taken on WAY too much, more than their fair share. After removing what isn’t theirs or what’s not necessary, and actually having some time and energy to rest and recuperate, then it’s easier to access those parts of themselves.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but your value does not come from your “productivity” or your output. You are valuable just by existing. If you’re judged by how much you can self sacrifice and martyr yourself, then that’s not a healthy dynamic. And just like how on airplanes we are told to tend to ourselves first before helping others, or we risk endangering both ourselves and others, the same applies here. Making sure we are taken care of, that our needs are met, is how we actually can serve others properly. Serving from an empty reservoir is only going to hurt everyone at some point. I’ve done my fair share of that. I know the pain and suffering that comes after. No one benefits from everyone running on lack and fumes.
Anyway, as I’ve spent more time with my friends, and slowly reminded them of who I remember them to be, I’ve noticed that they slowly come back alive. It’s such a beautiful experience and it’s happened enough times that I know that person still exists within them. Just… they might be a bit buried under the pressures of life. But that’s okay, they’re not forever gone. I wonder if sometimes all we need is a good witness, someone who remembers who we are, who can remind us of who we are underneath whatever we are carrying? And if such person isn’t available, maybe someone (even AI) who can actually see us for who we are and our potential. I think sometimes all it takes is for someone to open a door of possibility and if that door resonates with us, then who knows what could happen from there? I guess the hardest part is to be self aware enough to know what is and isn’t true, tossing out what’s false and holding onto what is valuable.
What would it be like to reconnect with that younger part of yourself, the one who knew how to hope and dream, but with the added wisdom that you have now on how to deal with life? Plus, with the knowledge that you now have with lessons learned? Would that create a powerful force? A powerful new beginning? And what do you have in your mind that might be limiting your own possibilities? Definitely worth thinking about!